An In between

Four years. Four years of football games, concerts, late night drives, study sessions and tests. Four years of heartbreaks, shopping trips, pep rallies, and dances. Four years of first kisses, first relationships, and friend breakups that hurt much more than any romantic breakup. Four years of trying to figure out who were are, who we want to be, and where we want to go. Four years, over and done with before we even had the chance to look up. Now, we are here, in the summertime, confused about what is going on.

This summer has been an odd time of transition. It’s interesting watching myself and the people around me slowly adjust to this new reality. We are caught between who we used to be, who we are, and who we can be. We are still just teenagers, only a month out of our safety net, and cautiously moving to the next phase of our lives. The summer between high school and college is a confusing time because we are constantly going back and forth between holding on and letting go. Some people have had an easier time of just forgetting the past four years, and pushing on ahead to this new section of their lives. Others are still convinced that they are the Queens of the cafeteria crowd, and that their status in high school was permanent (it was not). And then there are people like me, still deciding which parts of me to keep and which parts are better left in the hallways of my high school.

On a positive note, this summer has been spent with some of the best people. Surprisingly, so many of them were merely strangers to me a couple months ago. Now I fear that saying goodbye to them might be the hardest thing I do this summer. Each one of us is still trying to figure out which parts of high school to take with us to college. We are all still forming and shattering relationships, all while constantly aware of the clock that is slowly running out. Some of us are realizing who we want to be, while some of us only know who we don’t want to be.

The universe has pulled my little group of misfits together, and sometimes I think it is the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. The best because I have learned so much already from my time with them. I have learned that sometimes the best things happen at 4:00 am on a Friday. I have learned that sometimes the best therapy is just going to Zumba with a best friend, or laying in the middle of a park on a molten summer day. I have learned that sonic is the best late at night, and that brunch with friends is underrated. I have learned from my friends that love doesn’t have a sense of time. It comes whenever it feels like it; it doesn’t matter if we are all leaving in a month and a half. It just lingers and flourishes despite all odds (including the impending doom of college). I have learned that the past does not truly define us. That despite it all, every day we have a chance to take one step closer to becoming who we want to be.

And then there’s the worst. I have learned from some of my friends that no matter how much you love and care about someone, you can never force anyone to love you back. I have learned that some people come into your life as seasons, and that no matter how much you want them to stay, sometimes they just can’t. I have learned some things are better left unsaid, and that some people aren’t worth the wait. I have learned that sometimes all you get is one moment, one hour, or one day with someone, and you have to learn to be okay with that. And the worst thing of all, I have learned that the next time my group is all together again, we will be different.

Change is not a bad thing. I have never thought it to be. I have always thought that every change in a person, good or bad, leads them a little closer to their ultimate destination in life. (I know, it sounds trippy). So I know it is not a bad thing that we are all constantly changing, adapting, and recreating ourselves. That’s how we learn. That’s how we grow. But it is always a little scary, because there are so many what ifs. What if I accidentally become someone I don’t like? What if we all are just a passing season in each other’s lives, and that this is the only time we have together? What if five years down the road, we have all forgotten about each other? Or what if we don’t? What if our little summer was just that-- a summer of transition and learning? But what if it’s more than that?

Don’t get me wrong, I am so very excited for the next part of my life. I can’t wait to move to Atlanta and meet new people. I can’t wait for that. And soon enough, I will be blogging about that too. But right now, I’m okay with my little in between summer. I’m cool with not knowing exactly who I want to be, and I’m fine with just living in the now. Maybe I do only have a month and a half left with my people, but that’s good enough for me. Maybe I will learn some more things. Who knows? Life is weird like that.

I know I said I would put my Bucket/ Reading list on here and I will soon. So be sure to stay tuned for that. Thanks for reading, as always. I hope you guys find what you’re looking for.

With Love,

Nia