Lost

Here is how my writing process usually goes:

I sit in front of my computer, my fingers flexing as if they are stretching to find the right words. My lips are usually pressed so tightly together that I can feel my teeth sinking into my skin. My brow is furrowed. I usually sit in my bed, my back pressed against the cream colored wall in my room, my legs crossed beneath me. When I am usually doing something important, such as homework or editing essays, I listen to music. But it's silent when I write. I sit in front of my computer, writing and erasing sentences, sighing in frustration as I try to find what I want to say. This process goes on for minutes, hours even, until I give up, slam the top of my computer shut, and sink into my pillows as I accept defeat.

This process, as unproductive as it is, is the reason why I haven't been blogging in the past few weeks. I promised you guys, and myself, that I would be consistent, and I will be. I just needed a couple of weeks to figure out why I'm writing and for who I'm writing for.

As you guys might know, it is 2019. I have spent countless days planning how optimistic I want to be this year, how many adventures I want to go on, how I want to finally do the things that I want to do. And I believe that I will grow and achieve many things this year. The hardest part, however, is trying to let go of what has happened and instead striving towards what could happen. These past few weeks, as amazing as they have been, have been especially hard. They have been hard because it's hard to let go of people, old habits, and insecurities that bring me to a place of sadness and frustration. That sounds so cliche, but it's true. For so long I have been someone who has been defined by their struggle or how much they have overcome. For so long my days have been centered around surviving- not living. Now that my goal is to actually enjoy each day, not bear it, I can't help but feel a little lost.

These few weeks, I've had to face how hard it is adjust to trying to enjoy every day. In school, I constantly find myself wishing that I were somewhere else, not to mention wishing that I were someone else. With my peers, I find myself cursing my loudness, or my opinions, or my audacity. But, I'm learning to stop these thoughts. I'm learning to like the way that I talk, the way that I command, the way that I never back down. I'm learning to like my attitude, my resilience, my loud. I'm learning to like this; to like me.

This past weekend was my school's winter formal, and specific people made me question myself and my own self worth. A night that was supposed to be a night of fun and ease turned into one of anxiety and stress, and I blamed myself for it. Friends that I had thought I could trust, people who I thought loved me unconditionally, showed colors that I never thought existed for them, and I assumed that I deserved everything that had happened. It wasn't until sunday night, as I sat in my bed, curled up in my sheets, that I realized that despite my flaws and my mistakes, I deserved to be loved and I was deserving of respect. So I began to purge my life of the negativity. I unfollowed some people. I refollowed some people. I set a list of goals, and made a new playlist on spotify. I assessed what I wanted. I distanced myself from what I no longer thought was healthy. I made a list of my strengths and my weaknesses; what I needed to work on and what I could use for good. I reaffirmed my pact that this would be my year, even if it meant I had to sacrifice relationships in order to get there.

I hope you all find what you are looking for. I hope you never have to walk into a room full of people and still feel like no one sees you or worse, that they do see you and they hate you. I hope you never have to cry yourself to sleep and wander if you deserve all of that pain. I hope you never question your self worth, or ever believe that you do not matter. I hope you reaffirm your worth, and I hope you claim 2019 as your year. Forget the people that bash you for saying "new year, new me." Forget about what other people want you to be. Forget about those people who made you feel worthless.

What do you want?

Where do you want to go?

What will you do to get there?

I know this isn't the blog post you guys were hoping for. And I'm sorry. I will write more about my adventures to the MLK march, and to the women's march later on this month. I also will be releasing my first youtube video (if I can ever discipline myself enough to edit it). I will do better, I promise. Thank you for reading. Thank you for everything.

With love,

Nia